| shoot. |
[16 Nov 2009|01:52am] |
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I want to be the woman of God that I've been called to be...
And what better time to start than today.
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[05 Apr 2009|12:56pm] |
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This will take more strength, more love, more faith than you have.
It will tear you down to the very core of everything you are.
You will shatter beyond recognition.
Remember this:
In the end, it will be worth it.
In the end, you will be more than you can imagine.
In the end, you will stand as the woman of God that you are.
The choice is yours.
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[31 Mar 2009|02:31pm] |
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oh dear.
I have the flutterbies.
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[27 Mar 2009|01:22pm] |
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the waiting game
patience
long suffering
sacrifice
love is sacrifice.
sigh.
I feel like I'm just waiting for everything to happen.
high school to end
college to begin
november for god only knows what
i'm incapable of writing anymore of gifted at the moment
which annoys me
because I want to let daniel read it
but if I force it and it blows, no one is reading it
and if I wait until november to write again,
god only knows if I'll even see daniel anymore.
of course that is the biggest bonus of god keeping me close to home.
only about 13 minutes away as tammi and I discovered.
plus there's a borders and a barnes and nobles right near the school.
which would be awesome if someone, anyone would hire me.
sigh again.
and I'm sick
which is not helping things
because I feel isolated from the world
which is make me soooo not ok with the waiting game.
but that's something I need to learn.
self control.
sacrifice.
doing what needs to be done regardless of my feelings.
after all,
that's what truth comes down to.
truth is not dictated by emotion.
truth simply is.
sigh again.
I'm not sure if I miss the days of my childhood
when things were "easier"
when they were "easy" they never meant that much.
ahh.
mild ADD...
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| TWLOHA |
[25 Mar 2009|12:38pm] |
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Something actually restored my hope in humanity.
Which was nice.
=]
also, finished Fade.
such a grand novel.
almost wanted to shoot cabe though.
and I need to get back to writing...
soon.
But first, I should catch up on my hw.
Don't want to GPA to fall too dramatically now that senioritis has hit.
;]
...more later. <3
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| Twilight. |
[23 Mar 2009|02:19pm] |
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I like the movie.
and the books.
yes. I'm a dork.
also, you're light
=] <3
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| Remembering. |
[22 Mar 2009|02:01pm] |
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It's like looking at my life through a veil or a waterfall. Nothing seems quite right... =[ I'm really not sure how I feel about anything right now. I'm trying to be patient and have faith. But more and more I find that I'm terrified. And that I have total faith in God to be exactly who he is But i have absolutely no faith that people are good. I know that people are capable of Good and Evil. But I know that God makes decisions for no one. He will always give divine input But He cannot make your decisions for you. Free will is the only guarantee. And, for better or for worse, it is guarenteed to everyone. I hate that you would sleep with someone that's dating someone else. There is no excuse for that shit. I know that I am no better than you. I know I have no right to judge you. But that doesn't make fucking with someone ok. That doesn't mean that hurting people is ok. Whether or not that person is an asshole or bitch. =[
It absolutely breaks my heart to see people ripping apart each other's hearts.
Why? Would someone, anyone please tell me WHY? please explain how it's ok... please explain how you can lie to someone so much? how you can claim to love them and then cheat on them? how you can be the 'other' person??? the world is a sick sick fucked up place because we have made it this way. and I loathe it with everything in me.
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| I have a bad feeling... |
[20 Mar 2009|12:40pm] |
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The next person that I absolutely rip to shreds is going to be ......
Which is utterly terrifying.
=[
I really only have one option if I don't want him to hate me forever...
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| I'm torn. |
[18 Mar 2009|01:13pm] |
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Shawn Spencer or Howl?
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| So I don't know what the deal is but... |
[14 Mar 2009|03:10pm] |
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The drama llama is back full swing.
And people need to start talking and being honest with what the hell is going on in their lives.
I'm not going to judge people.
But seriously kids,
Not talking about stuff is soooo not going to help anything
Because eventually everyone finds out anyway
And at that point, the friends you didn't tell will be hurt that you didn't tell them
Save us all some regret
And tell the truth.
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| What the hell |
[08 Mar 2009|02:52pm] |
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I don't know what to say;
We were friends once.
Or so I thought.
But eventually, all things end.
I know it's what you want.
You don't want to remember who you used to be.
It's all a painful memory.
You used to stand
You once believed.
I'll always remember what you said to me,
"Sister, you're strong;
You have a good heart.
I know you can make it, without a doubt.
We're God's kids and best friends.
No way in earth, or heaven, or hell that this will end"
ButI stand alone now, recalling all you said.
The smiles, the promises;
Now lies and blank stares instead.
You used to be a man of God,
raging a war for souls.
Now you throw back a few,
just to be one of the boys.
There's other things you do now too.
I won't mention for fear of disgracing you.
I shouldn't bother to worry about that though.
You do a fine job in fact.
You don't mind getting drunk, high or whatever else you can.
God, I miss you
and the man you once were.
But now that man's gone,
replaced by a boy.
I know the world would say otherwise,
But I've not forgotten to discredit it's lies.
Sex, drugs, and alcohol.
How can you think you're a man at all.
You're barely a boy,
you've given up your soul.
You only live once,
that's what you were told.
But instead of cherishing it and doing your best.
You find fun in the most disguisting mess.
You've chosen your idol,
you've been warned.
When the time comes,
God won't call you home.
He'll let you fall to the destruction you've picked.
He will give you eternity in what you wished.
The pretty package and angelic facade
all fade away, once earth is gone.
only then will you truly see.
What you gave up, what you actually need.
So, I suppose this is the end.
Unfortunately, I'll miss you my friend.
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[02 Mar 2009|12:17am] |
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You can't push people away and expect them to still be there when you change your mind.
=[
I miss having someone that thought I was actually special.
And I miss you.
=[ x1000000000000000000000
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[17 Feb 2009|09:06pm] |
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Talked to sunshine today.
And then I had 'nam flashbacks to freshman year...
Which was both pleasant and terrifying-
Figure that one out.
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[13 Feb 2009|10:52pm] |
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What did I get myself into?
There is something very freeing about not needing your acceptance.
I kind of dig it.
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[01 Feb 2009|12:43am] |
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You are irrelevant;
I believe this because I need to believe this.
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| this is shannon's insomnia |
[11 Jan 2009|12:37am] |
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It's like a natural high.
which is kind of weird.
I'm not used to this.
It's freedom.
I want to write and scream and laugh and dance.
and I feel like I'm going to explode because its one am and I can do none of those things.
I should be sleeping and I can't.
I should be cleaning, but I'm too jittery.
I was watching eddie izzard with melissa, but then melissa left and I spazzed out.
I cannot wait for a week from today.
It's so...
completely insane.
and so perfect.
I...
am happy
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| This is Shannon's brain on less than 4 hours of sleep. |
[04 Jan 2009|10:25am] |
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Reasons
I can't explain.
Choices
I can't change.
The truth is...
I'm not sure you'd want to know.
This is wrong,
almost depraved.
Maybe I shouldn't feel this way.
I'll only hurt him
That's what you'd say.
---
more later
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| This is shannon's brain at 5am |
[03 Jan 2009|05:11am] |
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Can't sleep;
Can't dream;
Can't undertsand.
This mess I'm in;
It's driving me mad.
My heart is blind.
My eye fails to see.
What's the truth?
What's in front of me?
Is it worth it?
Is this even real?
Are you a dream?
Must I be still?
Can anyone tell me,
if I'm doing what's right?
Can anyone tell me,
is it worth the fight?
I feel so alive
and at the same time dead...
What should I do?
There's no more room in my head...
I want to leave,
I want to be free.
But somehow, someway
I'm still tied to thee.
...But I know in my heart,
we're forever changed.
Oh god, what I'd give
if only to explain.
I don't need you
I don't want you around.
But somehow I know
there's a reason unfound.
So what do I do,
while I wait to find.
I fear I'm falling again,
and you're not around this time.
This time, my free fall
occurs to me alone.
I guess this is a test,
to see if I've really grown.
Can I handle this unbearable stress?
I don't know,
I must confess.
He's gorgeous and funny.
He's witty and smart.
Talented as hell,
gifted with art.
I don't want to hurt him
not at all
Is there a way,
for us to not fall.
Maybe if I ignore it,
but I fear it will grow...
It seems so sudden,
there's no way to know.
Truth be told,
I must let go.
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| This is Shannon's venting. |
[30 Dec 2008|06:00am] |
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so as soon as I actually said anything about being glad things with jeff aren't awkward, I get this text message,
"I don't think hanging out tomorrow is such a good idea. Sorry"
...at 3:30am!
why do assholes need to prove it at that hour?
andrew did the same fucking thing one day...
tangentally, jasper needs to not be twelve. more for his sake than mine.
he's bummed because his friends are alienated, but when someone else (i.e. shannon) wants to actually help, he won't talk...
but that's his perogative.
all the same, I love how much the people that I try to have friendships with that don't deserve it are the ones who shut me out.
And I refuse to chase people. If they want attention or if they want to argue with someone, they can do that with someone else.
I'm so glad we have laser tagg tonight,
I think I would die without it.
Not to be melodramatic or anything.
But I really want to hang out with the following people:
Sam.
Matt Finch.
Caitlin.
Melissa.
That's pretty much all I need and I am there.
I kind of can't wait to graduate and go to college.
I wanted to say because I'm really done with this whole same thing everyday, never meet anyone new deal.
But actually, if I had graduated last year like I was gunning for,
I would not have met dan, cam, sam, or trevor.
and I am kind of a fan of those people.
I also would not have been at the drawing mountains show a couple nights ago.
And I'm kind of in love with music.
But I digress.
2008
This year started out totally differently.
I dated jeff for about the first two weeks of the year.
Then I dated Andrew again for about 7 months.
Which, in hindsight, not such a grand plan.
Jan.
spent the first three weeks grounded for my scheming behind mom's back.
saw a wings game
spent time with michele.
passed my midterms.
Feb.
TURNED 17.
spent valentines day sick, not reading sonnet-grams. =[
March.
I don't think there was anything really memorable about this time.
(ACT--34)
April.
Or this.
May.
AP TESTS!
5 on calc!
Seniors graduated.
So there was all that to deal with.
Which fades into
June-July
Summer.
Sweet.
The Dark Knight.
Relax.
TacoSlurpees saved my life.
August.
Everyone left for college.
Rhianna.
Andy.
Being the top two.
And the two that I missed the most the day they left.
Which was only mildly distressing.
I started working for the man. (ie ronald mcdonald)
September.
Start senior year.
Apple orchard-ing.
Met Jasper.
Freaked out.
October.
3 months.
Halloween as a fairy vampire slut.
Freezed my ass off at a haunted hayride.
November.
Tried to let you back in. Epic fail.
Thanksgiving was a weird weekend.
TWILIGHT! <3
4 times =]
Having robert pattinson's babies.
"The sun shines out of your ass. Go to your room!"
December.
Oh my.
Rebounded to a obnoxious degree.
Sick of dealing with everyone's bullshit.
Including my own.
But Christmas was so good.
Even if I didn't get exactly what I asked for,
it was a thousand times better just having someone there for a few days.
Drawing Mountains show.
which was absolutely amazing.
save a snare; bang a drummer?
and b-dubs afterward. so very good.
2009?
yes. please.
To go.
=]
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| this is shannon's star-bellied sneetch. |
[27 Dec 2008|12:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 pleased |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Supermassive Black Hole |
] |
So...
My napping schedule has resumed it's pre-andrew state.
Which I am pleased with.
My dreams lately are slightly erratic, but also back to pre-andrew.
*sigh*
This moving on thing isn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be.
I'm glad he finally made his choice.
That was what I really wanted;
One way or the other.
I wanted him to make his choice.
He did
And now I really don't feel bad letting go.
I mean my pride is a little hurt,
but my ego is kind of huge anyway.
So it's not that hard to step on it.
aside from all that.
I'm actually looking forward to school.
I miss peoples.
and I really am not looking forward top my second eight hour shift in 2 days.
but I am looking forward to seeing dollface.
=]
time to get ready for today.
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| This is the end. |
[21 Dec 2008|06:42pm] |
So.
It's really over.
We aren't even friends anymore,
because he can't stand to be around me.
which is phenomenal.
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| this is shannon's honest exhaustion |
[20 Dec 2008|09:20pm] |
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I want him back.
More than I ever thought possible.
And it sucks because I don't know if I should hold on to that hope,
or just move on and let everything go.
Because I'm a logical person...
and not a patient one.
I don't want to waste my time or his
if he's never really going to want me again.
but then he says these little things...
tells me I'm his weakness.
tells me he misses me and remembers what it was like being together
but how much of it is because that's what he really wants
and how much of it is because he hasn't found anything better.
I'm not going to find anyone better.
I know; I've been looking.
I just can't see it.
I can't see a future with anyone.
I can't even see a fuck with anyone.
It's like that whole part of my life lives or dies on this.
I know I'll be ok.
But I don't just want to be ok.
I want to be fucking phenomenal.
And I just don't see life being much more than mediocre
At least not without him.
I'll get a good job;
have a nice home;
be with the world's best friends,
but there is a hole.
A huge gaping hole, that try as I might, I cannot force it shut.
It's not shutting of it's own accord.
And I want to trust god.
I want to believe in everything he says with all my heart.
But I held onto his word the first time
and we were wrong.
to an absurd degree.
we were wrong about everything.
...and that little voice inside of me reminds me of the difference.
I was looking the first time; trying to see something out of nothing.
so in the end thats all I could see.
but this.,,
this is different.
I wanted whatever God had in store for me.
I asked him.
again, and again.
and I was really ready for either answer.
no one can answer these questions for me.
only god can.
and I need to trust that he has.
...no matter what the outcome
I know God loves me
I know he wants what is best for me.
I hope I'm strong enough.
|
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| This is Shannon's teen angst |
[28 Nov 2008|05:24am] |
|
This morning was really nice.
Ya know, right up until Andrew's mom spazzed out.
which kind of ruined the whole spending any amount of time together, ever again.
and ruined his whole day, which he had planned to spend with his best friend.
I can't help but feel like maybe if I had just gotten over him a little better, I wouldn't be causing problems for him still.
But God has other plans, I guess.
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| I know this is horribly childish but... |
[20 Nov 2008|10:44pm] |
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I'd rather be completely miserable with you, than even okay with anyone else.
(and I know I wouldn't even be close to miserable, but that's irrelevant.)
|
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[09 Nov 2008|02:21am] |
I've been thinking a lot since I led STATIC on friday.
Mr. Trombley complimented my leadership skills and such which was cool, but I actually sat back and thought about what I was teaching on.
We listened to the song "What about the change?" by Steven Curtis Chapman, which is by-far my favorite song, if for no other reason, because it played such a huge role in my life when I first became a Christian.
So, I spent an hour talking to kids about how there should be a marked difference between Christians and the world. We are to be in the world, but not of the world. (romans 12:2 and 2 corinthians 5:17)
I realized that, if I'm being completely honest, I don't see a difference in myself and the world anymore. I haven't felt like myself, or felt %100 me in a very long time. Of course, I've been happy and sad and angry at times, but I haven't been at peace with who I am in a long time.
And I wondered why that was...
Perhaps because :
I put dating above God.
I put Andrew above God.
And even when I broke up with Andrew, I didn't give God first place.
Instead, I turned around and looked for a guy to replace Andrew.
So all of these thoughts have led me to this point...
I am going to put God above all else
& I will not date during high school (at the very least).
...Tonight I feel true peace.
I think I could get used to that.
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[10 Oct 2008|09:42pm] |
ho'kay
so here's the earth;
It's chillin.
...anyway.
life is amazing
vampire boy complimented me;
I get to see nathan a lot;
Rob makes me laugh;
Cam makes me giggle enormously;
and high school is better than ever.
I do miss drumline more than I ever thought possible.
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